Do you struggle with being too bland? Constantly doing everyday activities like ‘working’ and ‘cooking’? Is the number of people who tut under their breaths and mutter in hushed tones as you pass distressingly small? Have you failed to commit even one signal crime to blast your soul for the duration of the withered years that remain to you?

Fear not! Our patented Guide to becoming a Gothic Hero will set you on the right track immediately and before you know it, you’ll be fighting the whims of a tormenting fate and blazing like a meteor across the sky to your own destruction. My patented method also sets you on the right path to meeting your soulmate – the Gothic angel to your damned wanderer, the solace for your ceaseless woes. (No guarantees can be offered as to your ability to either win their love or keep them alive.)

1. If…